Last night was different, as compared to the regular anyway.
Before I hit the bed around 11:30 I was looking through the medicine draw, for something that I didn’t know was there.
And to my great satisfaction there was something there I was unaware of.
A bottle of vitamins/supplements - it was called St Johns Wart. I have heard of this and its effect on stress & anxiety but did I know I had it? Nope.
So as you may have guessed, I poured a glass of water and through a couple down. To wake up the way I woke up this morning - Definitely a fan of St Johns Wart.
Woke up fresh, Relaxed & ready for the day to come.
Has been sometime when I have woken and actually look forward to getting out of bed to see the day, and to actually make fun plans before I actually get out of bed for me is RARE!
So I jump out of bed and flick the light and make my way down the hallway looking at what was lying around, Keys, Wallets, Empty Mothers Cans & Lounge cushions laying on the floor mostly all moved to the side out of the walkway.
I made it too the kitchen and flicked the switch on the kettle and looked out the window at the trees that hang over my unit. Birds everywhere - don’t know what type they are Red, Green & a tad of Orange some people call them parrots but I don’t know if that is right.
Kettle Popped and I was snapped out of the morning daze.
Black coffee tasted better today, was it because I could actually taste it I asked myself.
I have never enjoyed many coffees in my life, I drank it frequently although I saw it more as a fuel source & wake up kick, never a treat.
This morning I didn’t need to wake up, I was ready for what this day may hold, I had plans.
I begin to get dressed after my shower and I caught a glance of myself in the mirror amongst the steam clouding the bathroom. I took a moment to look into my eyes and wonder what people could see if they looked into them, could they tell what I was thinking?
Keys, wallet, cigarettes & lighter - check - Out the door I head for the car down the stairs I go. The sound of thongs on cement steps is actually quite loud and echoed throughout the entire stairwell trying to walk quietly is even harder, I do have concern for my neighbours.
The car key is a little bent from twisting too hard one day, it usually takes a little jiggle as I put it in, that hadn’t changed, it was still was tricky to open. I think I got it mastered this key, I know exactly which way to jiggle it, something that cannot be taught more of a you have to learn it yourself to really know.
I sit on my driver side seat; to which is covered by a new seat cover, it is black with a little red writing on the headrest. I think my seat is more comfortable with the new cover. I shuffle left and right and set myself in the now seat shaped to my figure.
I sparked and cigarette and blew it into the wind outside my window, one hand on the wheel and the other leaning on the window ledge, I look straight ahead and nod my head, I told myself - I am Ready.
Well well well, guess who is back in town?
Ohh tis good to be back. What has it been, Six months?
Around there I would say.
I shall start this blog by letting you know that I have taken leave from my office and have landed here at home expecting something more then there was yesterday.
Being that I am now on holidays and don’t have to worry about time as such, you would expect to see the world in a different perspective, well I certainly did.
As you have probably already assumed, it wasn’t different at all and to my utter disappointment everything was as it was, even my bank account had less then it did yesterday.
Direct-Debit they say – “quick and easy, just set and forget” well that’s all good and dandy Mr but I was hoping to spend that $90 on something more practical, like something I might actually use, drink, laugh at or just consume. But no I cannot use that can I, because why? Because it is in your bank account now, not mine.
So the second day of the holidays was much like the first, nothing out of the ordinary had happened. A lot of thought went into what actually happens here when I am not at home, not much apparently.
The third day of much holidays was different from the 2nd, I became adjusted too the fact that I am not working. Why the hell get out of bed at 7am?
Then it began.
At first I sat and began to think or ponder as you might say.
I sat, I pondered & began to wander into the vaults of my memories. As I browsed and sympathised through these thoughts it dawned upon thy self.
When was the last time I blogged? I through a guess out there ‘maybe a month or two’
I opened my eyes and realised that this was therapy, this was something I clearly enjoyed. Why would I just stop?
No answer to that really, I could give you a cop out excuse & tell you that “a side affect of depression is that you lose interest in the things you enjoy, it is not your fault” But I wont use that, I will use “I foolishly forgot my password to blogger for the last six months, I couldn’t be bothered getting it reset. If I wasn’t motivated to do that where will find the motivation to blog?
Depression is very hard I admit, but it is & never will be an excuse.
My couch is red; I remember when I brought it. Maybe it isn’t red, more of a maroon colour it doesn’t matter. My point of bringing this up is that when I started to blog I brought these couches around the same time. They were brand spanking new, now seem to be somewhat faded and softer looking. This is how long it has been since I have blogged. How disappointing.
It seems as tho a few of the bloggs I visit on a regular basis have also slowed down there input and they too blog once a month on average. Not trying to say its ok why I have taken so long but simply asking the question what happened?
I intend to change & hope for the best that the bloggs I visit also increase there input.
Till next one reader.
I'm scared of being away from you
it always filled me with fear
I don't know what I will do with myself now
without having you near
When your in my arms
you vanish all my fears
I'd give anything for this to be forever
for an eternity of endless years
I tell you I have loved you forever
from since the day we met
I look into your glassy eyes
I can see your getting upset
You tell me that you will miss me
As you force out the word "goodbye"
My fingers go cold as the contacts broken
Please Baby don't cry
I hold you for the last time
I hear the call for the train
Although your not here in person
Sweet memories will remain
I sit inside this train alone now
my hand begins to shake
I look out into your big brown eyes
my heart begins to break
When the rain starts falling down on me
I wonder where you are
Just remember girl if u ever need me
I never be to far
There's not long left to be with you
There's is not long left to the end
So I hope you like this poem I wrote you
Yours truly, My once beautiful girlfriend.
Terrific weekend! I played the guy who stood in the middle of two fighters..One happened to be family and the other, who else but my dearly beloved.
I have been standing in better places before but you cannot control these things so whats the point of mopping on about them.
So I am still the bad guy for not choosing sides although each parties/boxers/family members have assumed I have
The fog never returned and the days and nights continue to lower in temperature recently, My thinking, procrastination and smoking chair has been wet lately.. I am a little bummed about that so I sat on it tonight soaking wet as my little protest against the rain who thinks he can stop me from doing what I want.
Recently picked up the new album Confetti by the lovely artist Little Birdy and her friends.
Its been a challenge hitting the stop button at bed time or when work starts but hey who needs bed time? Unfortunately I need to work to buy things like this and continue singing mortgage blues, instead of the homeless blues.. God Bless the homeless..My heart goes out to anyone who has not got the place they call home.
I decided to shave my head on the weekend after the match.
It wasn't at all connected to the incident it was just an urge to rid myself of hair, well most of it.
Why not add a photo to brighten up this blog I ask you?
Ah how sweet the coffee Starbucks
Take Care My Sweet Bloggers,
Mike
Hola,
Last night I sat alone on my balcony a look into many aspects of my personality and wondered how they were shaped, this train of thought came from a documentary I recently came across that questioned many things. The real question was, do children pick up aspects of the parents personality or is it hereditary?
After 5-10 minutes of the show, I grew envious of the host and how much time he has on his hands to ponder such useless thoughts that then develop in useless questions. I shouldn't say useless questions. To me useless questions are asked yet they could never be answered without fallacy.
Beyond that - Back to the balcony.
I was sitting there smoking away, and blowing my smoke into the air and watching it dissipate into the fog. Hmm My temper, well I don't really have one.. I want to get angry at people and blast them but just cant seem to do it. That comes from the Mum of the family, So does my facial features.
The only thing I seem to get from my Dad is the ability to hate some things.
Well that was the end of that but still I am not satisfied with my own answers.
The moon looks different now, when I was a child it looked so much more interesting and beautiful, now that I live in the city its looks a little grey. I have never seen darkness so dark since I lived in the country its all different in the big smoke.
The countryside was so dark the stars stood out like glitter all over a black paper plate.
What is night? - I used to think it to would run hand in hand with darkness.
Darkness is not night anymore, night is just a time of day but the strange thing about this place is that it never sleeps.
Light is always present. Until tonight.
The fog was so thick I could barely see the tree in front of my balcony everything is just shadows and darkness. I Missed you, but happy your not hanging around forever although you are beautiful.
Is blindness and darkness the same thing? - you see darkness.. people would tell you its the absence of light. It could just be that you cant see anything, nothing but black. yet the opposite of black is white.. Darkness opposite is not white.. what color is light? - all of the above.. the real opposite of black in this case is colour.
I wonder what the fog/mist will remind me of tonight or will it make me contemplate my future plans.
Shal see when I see it wont we.
Having wet feet from trotting along through the park on my way home has left my feet looking tragic..
This has to change one day this walking back and forth in the rain to and from work.
Other then that all seems fine with the health. I go in under the knife in the next couple of months and wont be able to walk for a week or two according to Mr doctor..
Yet still - all is fine.
Sometimes or should I say the majority of time I take life for granted its hard not to when you live in it everyday and you see all the smiles from people and even put one on yourself.. But the thing is, I know what I feel and a smile isn't the best way to represent that.. I wonder if everyone else feels the same way - I certainly hope not.
Yesterday I had a discussion with one of my managers and once again was advised that when I am good I am great, when I am not so good - I am terrible.
and then was asked, Have you ever heard of Bi-Polar?
I answered this with a yes I have heard of it.. But to self-diagnose myself is a mistake I will leave that to the professionals to do so.. I do feel up and down at times but - all is well and I will not take his diagnosis for he is clueless to what I am.
New pictures coming in the next blog of me pretending to be a model for portrait shot to go on through this assignment.
Today I was dreading what was waiting for me at work when I stepped on the train the morning and I saw the smallest baby looking around the train as it was all new to her..then I was warmed as the baby looked me square in the eyes and smiled so wide it shook the ice of my heart and ignited that old flame once again.. Babies are the closest thing you could ever get to an Angel in my opinion.
Although I wasnt the best role model for the little one.. I did teach her to poke her toungue out and pout..
When you think you have it all worked out.. Something jumps out of the darkeness/light and changes your thoughts perspective.
I appreciate change.
Thankyou for reading my fellow bloggers!
Happy Blogging.
Signing Out -
Mike
Well Indoor Soccer....or Futsal as some of the players of the higher standard would call this intense, exiciting need extra deoderant because your gonna swear your ass off game.. was fun.
Well it all started . I played the goal man to start with in our warm up and blocked soccer balls being launched at me, I have to say I have never been a goaly it looks boring from a far.. But it is far from boring..I Must say it is quite the adrenilen rush having the soccer balls speeding at you and trying not to duck, but the opposite.. I think you can get my picture..Loved it every moment of it.
As the game started and we all began running around yelling at each other for the ball like we were pro's or something on these shiny floorboards that sqeek from our rubber soles..then we all felt at more ease.as.hip-hop music came over the top of us.. Thankyou Mr DJ at the reception counter.. we all showed gratitude with a thumbs up thrown your way.
Soon enough the Music stopped, I think his manager showed up red faced unhappy with his office bitches human side & un-professionalism.
We continued to make it more intense as more people arrived and the real game started.
Big Kicks & Big Misses - Floor board burn all over my knees & Shins from my miraculous saves as the goal man, not really the burn actually came from me falling over my own feet whilst kicking the ball and being in the air the same time.. I just need to work on my landings.. but still adrenilin mixed with a bit of pain made us all play harder and faster, well I cant speak for all of them but thats how I felt about it.
We finished up and all was well and agreed on a draw. 5 all.
Getting home was easy.
Today Life is Fun.
Till Then Reader -
Mike
Here I am, was so far behind on everything in life & work. Today I am no longer behind everything is up-to-date and I haven't been happier to say. Photos for a friend took place on the weekend and I was the star of the show!
I hope I don't ruin her assignment with my mugshots, well you can't really see my face anyway.
I found this one quite amusing as you can see my manly eyelashes in the shadow ha!
Hehe my Diamond Ring the oldest and most prised possession I have :) .JPG)
And don't know what to say about this one, Well hope your photography assignment goes to plan :)
Ahh Bondi Beach below was really something that night. I knew it was so very cold, yet inside I felt warmed by the sound of Bondi Waves and wasn't cold at all.
Browsing through the worlds of our other bloggers here on blogpsot with the new "next" button There are some real minds being placed here and there on blogs. Thank you for inventing blogger good idea :)
I am very glad to find blogger.
Just to let my fingers flow on this keyboard and tell you what is on my mind reader.
Well on the last couple of weeks with the Job it has been a smooth transition to my team and role.
The boss has changed so has my cherished view, now I get the privilege to look at a car park whilst punching away at my keyboard I am not at all worried about it.
Other then that work has been completed although there will be more to come tomorrow at least i get to fresh start it all tomorrow which is fantastic.
Watching the Box last night and this new show called 11th hour, I liked it. Some people can just sit, watch & listen to that all day and all night I used to frown upon them now I completely understand where they are coming from.
Even tho you are watching people get shot at & stabbed and then the Gore scenes afterwards it does help you just tune down.
Hmm little be known at what is going through my sisters mind at the moment, I have no idea.
I know that she needs me to stand strong and stay by her side, Yet not worry about her. I intend to be there for her always without a doubt but to not worry about her is an issue I am going to encounter over and over again.
Dad - Pops - Father - One day you will tell me the truth. I hate questioning my own judgements with the things you sometimes say. I have to give it too you pops, you are definitely a man of mystery.
Was asked, what are you guys looking at?
To this Day i have no idea what the hell was so damn interesting in those trees!
Some things, Something..
I wish I could go back the things that were said and correct it so it never would have existed.
This will never be possible, so finding the strength to walk alone will be difficult.
After some time I realised
Life is never how it seems.
How of often do you meet
The one from your dreams?
Posting blogs is very new to me. The motivation to do so came from this quote -
'Writing is a way to talk without being interrupted'
I know now, I take all the blame for everything that I have done and said. I am good at throwing excuses a reasons around but not good a sleeping with it.
For so long I have wanted to run away, from what I don't know or where to? No Idea.
Just the idea of leaving it all behind and the thought of a life that is so much different compared to the way mine is relieves my tension.
Why not run away I asked myself this morning. I dug deeper and deeper and realised I can run but this body this mind is really what I have been trying to escape all this time.
Why is it that the way I portray myself is the opposite of what is inside of me?
I want to make you smile. I want to steal away your problems and call them mine if it meant you could truthfully smile once again I would take it all.
I pushed everyone away and still do when there is a hint that they are probing for what is really inside of me, what my real opinion is. I read about it once its called a defense mechanism.
I don't mind people knowing me or my core emotions but letting the words that describe me fall from my mouth is something that I am fearful of them misinterpreting. Maybe I don't have the words for it.
Even tho I stand strong and motivate those around me, why cant I motivate myself?
Or maybe I am motivated I still come to this place to put it somewhere, Depression is great fun! mind the sarcasm.
But being on anti-depressants is not so hard well life is somewhat livable, I mean this in a way that you can seem fine to everyone.
But when I listen to music it doesn't touch me the way it used to. I am not so tired anymore and peoples wrong doings don't make me angry as much anymore.
Yet walking around feeling as tho you are covered in cotton wool is what I am used to now.
Soon I will go back to my real self as I miss him and the way music touched his soul.
Till then reader.
Mike
bRRR - Cold Sydney is Unbearable today.
This recent dereliction of my only blog has been the result of my mind being idle therefore lacking motivating of any kind to scribble something that even remotely was worthy of immortalising.
OK, on with the show.
With a happy kick-start to the morning with a black coffee, Toast and thank you to Cenovis Vita's For men I managed to jog down my stairs and into the big bad world and hold my head high for another day.
Gym is getting much better! speaking to one of my body-building-tank friends, I was advised to visit the website for SERIOUS men.. Serious as in "BULKING UP" serious.
http://www.bodybuilding.com/
So after looking at the above I have come to the conclusion that these "Real" men are freakin scary and their eyes tend to glare as if the had concentrated redbull flowing through there veins.
Biceps! could "pop" in a mis-calculated flex.
One look at this picture made me reevaluate the real benefits that coincide with my ambition to build my body.
There are worse things in life in my opinion, you can never really be to carefull in this world.
Anyways, Work is Great - Because it is over soon.. well today.. work will never really be over I will work for the rest of my life..
Strange the way this world works.. Well most of it.
The lastest bothersome events that has left me a little uneasy are;
People all of which I used to admire their sui generis.Maybe its the weather.. This has changed.. I have seen something I haven't in quite a while. Someone who actually believes, not pretend actually believe they are above there fellow human by far.
This person attempted to advertise this as much as possible. Didn't make me angry, It made me take a moment to ponder. What happens in ones life to thoroughly convince them they are better then the next?? Hmm no answer to that one yet Mister!
I have always seen it, Just never really clicked to it uno..
It doesn't matter that much anyway.. I thought I would Blog this.
Ciao!
Dear Satan,
Tis' a shame that it all turned out this way, I thought I could share a world with you and Jesus to have each a fair share.Its seems as tho you have abused the friendship Satan, you have corrupted the once compassionate hearts of my family & friends.
Why have you done this Satan? Is it that I never gave you enough time?I wanted to tell you about the people as they were, well before you knew of them.
They once cared for the poor soul laying on the street homeless and part with their change as if it mean something to the greater good.
They cried when in pain, they laughed when they were happy.They stood for what was right in their minds and challenged deception to till it it fell to its knees.
Where have you taken their soul Satan? I haven't seen them in what seems an eternity, is all I can see is the image that once was held in the fondness of their mothers eyes but now just a shell of what once was.
You gave them a taste for a night, you persuaded them that it would never wear off.After a few times they visited you, you guided them in the midst of their euphoria to their darkness.
Yet you still offered what is so wrong, an ease for it to be reasonable and just.
It is not just Satan, It never was, is not now and never will be.
Yet you still stay persistent.
What you left was distance, so distant it may as well never existed at all.We all shared time, tears and memories some of us blood but you decided to give them ignorance, as if it were a 'welcome to my world' thrown in the package.
I spoke with Jesus the other day, you know him right?
Jesus didn't talk back to me but every now and then he lets me know he is still around. You! You tend to think that you can just pop up anywhere and everywhere, like you were welcomed, although you are by most you are not welcomed by me.
I don't like you Mr Satan, not one little tiny bit, not at all.
So here is the deal Satan. I would like to put this forward to you, you may find it interesting and Worthy of your consideration;
I would like you to ignite me in the most painful of flames, And I will be the guiding light in the darkness to those who are lost.For you may take me wherever you shall see fit within the shadows of your darkness.For I Satan and only I see it fit to do so for those who are lost, broken and now alone.
Take me, take me and burn me, but you must set them free.
I don't know how you managed to persuade everyone almost at once, but you did.
I urge you to Consider my offer and undoubtedly I will see you again soon.
Yours,
Mike.
Today, is a sweet sunny day in Sydney.
After a weekend full of giving away chocolate to family, Friends and Randoms.
I decided to hit the gym once again to work on the arms of mine, My body is out of proportion it sh't's me to tears. My arms a quite small for a tall guy that I am..
Have not lost a fight as yet tho, they are strong-ish just don't look it. Its not what it is all about tho "fighting" its just to look more like a man then I am at the moment.
I miss the old me.. Fitness First common Bring IT ON BACK!
On your left you would be looking at me three years ago. hmmm What has happened to me?? I am looking for this guy when I go to the gym.
..Dash
..Slash
..Cash
..Mash
..Flash
..Rash
Other then that Mr Rudd has yet to let me go on the shopping spree at Rebel Sport, Shout Maccas, Buy Flowers for the Mum, Buy golf balls for the Old man, Buy the Sister a Case of Grog, and buy the little brother an Xbox Game.. Hmm
Tomorrow I post my Letter to the Devil.. Should Be interesting.
Till Then..
hasta mañana
Conversations today with my fellow colleagues, one person stood out with the interesting topic.
This was it.
With the sale of our most cherished prison in Parklea. We spoke about the effect it would have on our country considering the current economic downfall our country is experiencing.
* Inmates will be working, what area/trade hasn't yet been published.
* All inmates will be expected/forced to work if practical.
* All proceeds will be directed to the private overseas companies who are shareholders.
* All liability obtained directly/indirectly will be the responsibility of the company no longer the government.
A virtual rally has been established
http://www.stopthecelloff.org.au/landing.php
I have no solid opinion on this as I don't have all the facts, I intend to make one soon enough.
Ciao!
Today is strange. Whilst walking to work it was raining in some spots and not the other.
I was late to work once again, not my fault this time.. all thanks to shityrail.
Study starts soon again and my attempts at a social life will begin to deteriorate once again.
Dreamed a dream last night. something just arent going to happen. I have hoped for so long that I would just run into this person one day, anywhere I really dont mind whether it be the plaza, pizza shop, methedone clinic. Someday I wish it.
I have to stop the dangerous activity I have been into lately, My mum is freaking out at the sight of my bruises and cuts.
Till Then,
Mike
Hmm - first post on blogger.. what to say.
I have enjoyed reading a through the net of peoples opinions and advice its about time I started to put my two cents in.
Today another, just like the other.
Yet something always happens.. today i spoke with an older woman about me learning to speak Spanish. I like it so far I don't know why I have decided to learn a second language.
A news year reso was to join the gym, quit the smoking and get healthy once again.
From being very fast on foot as in state championship fast to now running one lap of an oval and almost passing out has been somewhat hard to deal with.
It is quite new to me this whole need to get fit thing, My whole family is fit. I am the only smoker.
Soooo I joined the gym two weeks ago, my body aches but I STILL smoke, and still drink much softdrink.
The lines in my stomach and back and arms have resurfaced, after my two week transformation my father joined last night also my brother in-law.
I hope it works out for these guys.
Till next time Reader
Mike
